“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
You Might Also Like
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]