*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Lmfaoooooo
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
peak technology
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad