Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
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You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly