Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Stop.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles