I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
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At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco