Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
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Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Air pods looking like an angry frog
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win