It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
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PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.