“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew