Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.