Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
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Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.