These dogs look like they have good credit.
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”