Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms