Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
so, is there a mister shapen head
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies