coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”