good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
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what?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool