I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Facebook memories be like
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
R.I.P.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.