The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
for all #parents out there
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?