A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Well, that should do it
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.