[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
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if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Encore…
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.