“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*