If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
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Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
when nothing goes right… go left
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first