Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
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[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.