How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.