*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.