You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
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I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie