You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
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Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wife and I got each others name tattooed on the other after we got married. Split up and I had it covered with another tattoo. Two years later got back together and I’ve not told her yet, she just thinks I sleep in a hoodie because I’m cold. Have to come clean soon.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will