I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
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Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.