Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
why I oughta
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.