excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
You Might Also Like
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I get distracted pretty eas
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.