this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
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doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Wednesday
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.