I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”