I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
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Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.