Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
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why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.