Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
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Pretty much! 😂👀
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.