Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
You Might Also Like
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones