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[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.