Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
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Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
this isn’t threatening at all
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?