“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?