trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
SPLOOT
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.