law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
no one likes gloating
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup