My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
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I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
#polloftheday
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
“What movie?” 🤔