my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Software Development ⛵️
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
#NeverForget
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*