The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.