My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
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mechanics be like
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”