Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??