A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
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If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.