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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about