I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years