Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.