Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
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3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”